I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
