Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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