I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
