so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
