last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
