Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
