And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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