I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
