I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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