so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
