I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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