What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
