never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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