Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
