life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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