My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
