the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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