I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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