News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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