dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's like iHOP with fire
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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