I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
