I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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