True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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