There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I AM VODKA MAN
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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