My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize