Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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