Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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