I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
