I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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