shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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