why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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