she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
