When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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