Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
