If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
