My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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