he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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