too bad you live with your parents still
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
