ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
