i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
