ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
