my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
