Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
