Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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