even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
two words: eviction party
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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