So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
