i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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