sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
