Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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