he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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