he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
