Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize