Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
