Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
