he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
