roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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