A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
