Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
