She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
