U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Floor bacon is actually really good
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
