My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
