I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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