you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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