ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
