Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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