i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
In America we eat man semen.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
