you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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