For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
