If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
