Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
